The previous chapter highlighted some things about narcissists that have earth-shaking ramifications, chiefly:
· their need to "have it all"
· the nature of their interaction with others.
Both these things about narcissists fly beneath people's radar but are extremely serious matters. That's because these things bear fruit in two serious threats to others:
· predation
· manipulation/mind control
Let's look closer to see just how the need to have it all bears fruit in predation and the peculiar kind of interaction bears fruit in manipulation and mind control.
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Echo and the Narcissist
What Makes Narcissists Tick
Predation
First, the need to have it all. An analogy illustrates the threat to others in this attitude. Let's say that you feel a compelling need to have all the dollars in the world.
Then, no matter how many you get, you compete with others for every single one. That's unbridled, avaricious greed, and it makes you an adversary of everyone else in the world.
If you see a dollar in someone else's hand, you will want to take it away. Just because he has it. That's the desire to plunder others. In other words, you will view the possessor of that dollar as a predator views prey.
Therein lays the "malignance" in malignant narcissism. Indeed, the inescapable logic is that if you wish someone to have no dollars, you wish him harm. The need to deprive others of what they need, just so you can have it all, is the soul of malignance.
Narcissists are predators, but many people fail appreciate the meaning of that term, letting it in one ear and out the other. The word predator seems to mean nothing to them unless you put the word sexual in front of it. As if sexual predators are the only kind. Thinking that makes you easy prey for other kinds of predators, like street con artists, wolves and gold diggers ("love thieves"), false messiahs, wanna be dictators, and crusaders like Osama bin Wanton.
Being predators puts narcissists in a special class with psychopaths, that class of people who don't wish you well, no matter how friendly their facade — that class from which sexual predators and all other kinds of predators come.
In anticipation of those who will attack me for putting narcissists and psychopaths in this special class, I point out that I am not the one who does so: they do. They do this by identifying with their image instead of their true (human) self inside. They despise it. Precisely because it is human. And they consequently despise humanity itself, and all us merely human beings. They view themselves as gods relative to us, who look down on us the way we look down on cockroaches.
Like all predators, they are elaborately camouflaged. For, they can't hurt or deceive people they can't get close to. And no one would let a malignant narcissist near them if they knew what that narcissist is, what he goes through life doing to people just to feed his ego. In fact, if you suddenly became a predator, your first thought would be that you need to camouflage yourself. So, it's no wonder that at a young age narcissists and psychopaths start going to a great deal of trouble to seem like the rest of us.
But inside they aren't like the rest of us. They don't consider themselves one of us. No more than a wolf in sheep's clothing considers himself a sheep.
There is no changing this about them. At least not now or in the foreseeable future.
Return to Table of Contents
Then, no matter how many you get, you compete with others for every single one. That's unbridled, avaricious greed, and it makes you an adversary of everyone else in the world.
If you see a dollar in someone else's hand, you will want to take it away. Just because he has it. That's the desire to plunder others. In other words, you will view the possessor of that dollar as a predator views prey.
Therein lays the "malignance" in malignant narcissism. Indeed, the inescapable logic is that if you wish someone to have no dollars, you wish him harm. The need to deprive others of what they need, just so you can have it all, is the soul of malignance.
Narcissists are predators, but many people fail appreciate the meaning of that term, letting it in one ear and out the other. The word predator seems to mean nothing to them unless you put the word sexual in front of it. As if sexual predators are the only kind. Thinking that makes you easy prey for other kinds of predators, like street con artists, wolves and gold diggers ("love thieves"), false messiahs, wanna be dictators, and crusaders like Osama bin Wanton.
Being predators puts narcissists in a special class with psychopaths, that class of people who don't wish you well, no matter how friendly their facade — that class from which sexual predators and all other kinds of predators come.
In anticipation of those who will attack me for putting narcissists and psychopaths in this special class, I point out that I am not the one who does so: they do. They do this by identifying with their image instead of their true (human) self inside. They despise it. Precisely because it is human. And they consequently despise humanity itself, and all us merely human beings. They view themselves as gods relative to us, who look down on us the way we look down on cockroaches.
Like all predators, they are elaborately camouflaged. For, they can't hurt or deceive people they can't get close to. And no one would let a malignant narcissist near them if they knew what that narcissist is, what he goes through life doing to people just to feed his ego. In fact, if you suddenly became a predator, your first thought would be that you need to camouflage yourself. So, it's no wonder that at a young age narcissists and psychopaths start going to a great deal of trouble to seem like the rest of us.
But inside they aren't like the rest of us. They don't consider themselves one of us. No more than a wolf in sheep's clothing considers himself a sheep.
There is no changing this about them. At least not now or in the foreseeable future.
Return to Table of Contents
Manipulation
The way narcissists (and psychopaths) interact with others makes them extremely potent manipulators. How potent? So potent that their powers of manipulation are spooky and seem downright magical.
How does the way they interact with others make them such expert manipulators? Because practice makes perfect, and they have been practicing the art of manipulation in every interaction since birth.
Indeed, in playing to the mirror of your face, that's what they're doing, isn't it? Manipulating you. Everything they say and do is entirely for effect, to get the reaction they want from you. That IS manipulation.
They're regulating, manipulating your reactions. But you aren't like them. Your reactions come from within. So, what are they ultimately regulating and manipulating? Your thoughts. Manipulation is mind control.
Manipulation is a subtle thing. So subtle that we are usually unaware of being manipulated, unless the manipulator blows it and breaks the spell. So, manipulators are putting thoughts into our heads that we think are ours. A very dangerous thing.
Since a narcissist isn't acting on normal human premises, since all he is doing is playing you for the reaction he wants, truth is irrelevant. Truth or lies — it's all the same to him. Whichever works. Usually that's lies.
It would be more correct to say that there is no such thing as truth to a narcissist. Because there is no such thing as truth when playing Pretend. That's why narcissists and psychopaths beat lie detector tests. (In fact, so do many people from "shame" cultures where lying to save face of oneself, one's family, one's tribe, and one's religion is considered morally necessary and expected.)
Psychopaths are known to get so good at manipulating people that, by the time they're teenagers, they routinely fool and manipulate mental healthcare professionals, judges, prison officials, parole boards, and social workers who know they are psychopaths, are on the lookout for attempts to manipulate them, and should be immune to manipulation.
It isn't a matter of intelligence: it's a matter of practice, experience. This is because most of what transpires in interaction happens too quickly to think it through.
In playing to the mirror of your face, the narcissist receives a steady stream of your feedback to the steady stream of words and body language he sends. He continuously reacts to every nuance of it in "real time," if you will. A sideways glance from you might make him alter his choice for the next word in the sentence he is saying. Or his facial expression or tone of voice. Or it might make him take a step closer to you.
So, no matter how cunning a manipulator is, he isn't consciously analyzing your every slight reaction and fine-tuning his act to it. I say that because he can't be. That would be impossible, because no one could think that fast.
He must be relying on a lifetime of experience at this game, reacting habitually in certain ways to certain things he observes in you on the fly. In other words, this manipulation must be rather like the act of hitting a forehand in tennis.
You cannot consciously think your way through the stroke. Too many things are happening too fast. In fact, you will botch your stroke and be lucky to even connect with the ball if you try to consciously think your way through with "Watch the ball ... bend your knees ... keep your arm straight ... keep your head still ... step into the shot ... et ad infinitum." Well, that's exaggerating a bit, because there are only about 100 instructions I could list for hitting a forehand ;-)
You can't think that fast. No one can. So, you must practice that stroke enough under varying conditions to program the unconscious centers of the brain to execute it virtually automatically. When you net your shot or hit it out (provided you note how far off the shot was), your "program" is revised to get the bug out.
This phenomenon is called Natural Learning. It's how we learn to walk and talk.
That "program" isn't just a fixed set of muscle commands from the brain. It's an interactive program like a computer program. Because no two forehands are the same. Yet the more you practice, the better your forehand program, and the more effectively it faithfully produces a good forehand under widely varying conditions. You have only to make the major decisions, such as where and how to hit the ball: speed, spin, and placement. But Natural Learning is so powerful that even tactical decisions become virtually automatic in advanced players. Hence the best players in the world do very little conscious thinking while the ball's in play.
The power of Natural Learning is also illustrated by comparing experienced drivers with young drivers. Young drivers have no experience, so they must think their way through problems. Result? Crash. But with the same problem an experienced driver has no problem. He or she spontaneously makes an intuitive, instinctive move faster than the speed of thought. Result? No crash.
When playing to the mirror of your face, that must be what a narcissist is mostly doing — relying on a lifetime of experience that allows him to react instinctively to every bit of feedback he gets from you. That's how he fine-tunes your reactions into the feedback he wants. Rather like turning the knobs on a short-wave radio.
This is manipulation. And it's occurring faster than the speed of thought, because a narcissist has had so much constant practice at drawing the look he wants that most of his "moves" are virtually automatic.
This is why, I think, narcissists seem like machines with their knee-jerk reactions to things. But those reactions aren't knee-jerk reflexes: they are learned through experience to the point that they become habitual as second nature.
This is also why, I think, we tend to overestimate the intelligence of narcissists, psychopaths, con artists, and other manipulators like dictators who con their way to power. We think they must be brilliant to be so manipulative. But even a stupid narcissist I knew was extremely manipulative. Their skill is the fruit of constant practice at manipulation in every human interaction.
But it doesn't pay to underestimate them, either. That same practice makes them extremely observant and perceptive. Over time that will improve their intelligence, at least some aspects of it.
In fact, they are much more observant and perceptive than they seem. That's because all they're interested in is what they can use. So, though they block out much, what they do choose to see, they see very well. They are interested in your reactions, not you. So, they probably are more aware of how you react to things than you are. But the only information about you they're interested in is what that can use to exploit you. The rest they filter out of consciousness = forget.
So, never think that you are too smart to be manipulated by a narcissist, psychopath, or con artist. You aren't. And you surely can never beat one at his own game.
That's nothing to be ashamed of. It just means that you are an innocent who hasn't spent his or her whole life practicing the black art. So, you won't win that game.
Return to Table of Contents
How does the way they interact with others make them such expert manipulators? Because practice makes perfect, and they have been practicing the art of manipulation in every interaction since birth.
Indeed, in playing to the mirror of your face, that's what they're doing, isn't it? Manipulating you. Everything they say and do is entirely for effect, to get the reaction they want from you. That IS manipulation.
They're regulating, manipulating your reactions. But you aren't like them. Your reactions come from within. So, what are they ultimately regulating and manipulating? Your thoughts. Manipulation is mind control.
Manipulation is a subtle thing. So subtle that we are usually unaware of being manipulated, unless the manipulator blows it and breaks the spell. So, manipulators are putting thoughts into our heads that we think are ours. A very dangerous thing.
Since a narcissist isn't acting on normal human premises, since all he is doing is playing you for the reaction he wants, truth is irrelevant. Truth or lies — it's all the same to him. Whichever works. Usually that's lies.
It would be more correct to say that there is no such thing as truth to a narcissist. Because there is no such thing as truth when playing Pretend. That's why narcissists and psychopaths beat lie detector tests. (In fact, so do many people from "shame" cultures where lying to save face of oneself, one's family, one's tribe, and one's religion is considered morally necessary and expected.)
Psychopaths are known to get so good at manipulating people that, by the time they're teenagers, they routinely fool and manipulate mental healthcare professionals, judges, prison officials, parole boards, and social workers who know they are psychopaths, are on the lookout for attempts to manipulate them, and should be immune to manipulation.
It isn't a matter of intelligence: it's a matter of practice, experience. This is because most of what transpires in interaction happens too quickly to think it through.
In playing to the mirror of your face, the narcissist receives a steady stream of your feedback to the steady stream of words and body language he sends. He continuously reacts to every nuance of it in "real time," if you will. A sideways glance from you might make him alter his choice for the next word in the sentence he is saying. Or his facial expression or tone of voice. Or it might make him take a step closer to you.
So, no matter how cunning a manipulator is, he isn't consciously analyzing your every slight reaction and fine-tuning his act to it. I say that because he can't be. That would be impossible, because no one could think that fast.
He must be relying on a lifetime of experience at this game, reacting habitually in certain ways to certain things he observes in you on the fly. In other words, this manipulation must be rather like the act of hitting a forehand in tennis.
You cannot consciously think your way through the stroke. Too many things are happening too fast. In fact, you will botch your stroke and be lucky to even connect with the ball if you try to consciously think your way through with "Watch the ball ... bend your knees ... keep your arm straight ... keep your head still ... step into the shot ... et ad infinitum." Well, that's exaggerating a bit, because there are only about 100 instructions I could list for hitting a forehand ;-)
You can't think that fast. No one can. So, you must practice that stroke enough under varying conditions to program the unconscious centers of the brain to execute it virtually automatically. When you net your shot or hit it out (provided you note how far off the shot was), your "program" is revised to get the bug out.
This phenomenon is called Natural Learning. It's how we learn to walk and talk.
That "program" isn't just a fixed set of muscle commands from the brain. It's an interactive program like a computer program. Because no two forehands are the same. Yet the more you practice, the better your forehand program, and the more effectively it faithfully produces a good forehand under widely varying conditions. You have only to make the major decisions, such as where and how to hit the ball: speed, spin, and placement. But Natural Learning is so powerful that even tactical decisions become virtually automatic in advanced players. Hence the best players in the world do very little conscious thinking while the ball's in play.
The power of Natural Learning is also illustrated by comparing experienced drivers with young drivers. Young drivers have no experience, so they must think their way through problems. Result? Crash. But with the same problem an experienced driver has no problem. He or she spontaneously makes an intuitive, instinctive move faster than the speed of thought. Result? No crash.
When playing to the mirror of your face, that must be what a narcissist is mostly doing — relying on a lifetime of experience that allows him to react instinctively to every bit of feedback he gets from you. That's how he fine-tunes your reactions into the feedback he wants. Rather like turning the knobs on a short-wave radio.
This is manipulation. And it's occurring faster than the speed of thought, because a narcissist has had so much constant practice at drawing the look he wants that most of his "moves" are virtually automatic.
This is why, I think, narcissists seem like machines with their knee-jerk reactions to things. But those reactions aren't knee-jerk reflexes: they are learned through experience to the point that they become habitual as second nature.
This is also why, I think, we tend to overestimate the intelligence of narcissists, psychopaths, con artists, and other manipulators like dictators who con their way to power. We think they must be brilliant to be so manipulative. But even a stupid narcissist I knew was extremely manipulative. Their skill is the fruit of constant practice at manipulation in every human interaction.
But it doesn't pay to underestimate them, either. That same practice makes them extremely observant and perceptive. Over time that will improve their intelligence, at least some aspects of it.
In fact, they are much more observant and perceptive than they seem. That's because all they're interested in is what they can use. So, though they block out much, what they do choose to see, they see very well. They are interested in your reactions, not you. So, they probably are more aware of how you react to things than you are. But the only information about you they're interested in is what that can use to exploit you. The rest they filter out of consciousness = forget.
So, never think that you are too smart to be manipulated by a narcissist, psychopath, or con artist. You aren't. And you surely can never beat one at his own game.
That's nothing to be ashamed of. It just means that you are an innocent who hasn't spent his or her whole life practicing the black art. So, you won't win that game.
Return to Table of Contents
Protecting Ourselves
I suppose professionals fear that a well informed public would rise up and call for a witch-hunt to discover everyone suffering from NPD/psychopathy and lock them up. In fact, there is already a move afoot in Great Britain for Dr. Robert Hare's Psychopathy Checklist to be used to identify and lock up psychopaths. In the United States, some want it to be used as grounds to impose the death penalty on criminal offenders eligible for it.
The movement afoot in Great Britain is based on the assumption that the government is responsible for taking care of us, cleansing our environment of anything dangerous, and thus making our world a utopia for us. The movement afoot in the United States stems from outrage at psychopaths being set free to do to it again and again and again by professionals and parole boards who just won't face facts.
But, though the threat predators like psychopaths and other malignant pose is serious, though they do a tremendous amount of harm in the world that must be addressed, it seems to me that this threat is easy to deal with and that doing so requires no Draconian measures of dubious morality and fairness that violate individual rights.
The reason I say that is because, as in the wild, predators kept at a safe distance are no threat. In the vast majority of cases, the prey has simply let a wolf in sheep's clothing get too close.
Even in those cases where a narcissist is abusing his or her own children, to get into a position to do that, he or she first had to fool the other parent into marriage.
This doesn't have to happen, at least not nearly as frequently as it does. A wolf in sheep's clothing can be recognized. The problem is that many people don't spot the signs of bad faith and mental illness. Or, if they do notice something that sets off their red alert, they blow it off.
This indicates that we need two things:
· a well informed public
· a change in attitude.
First, no more Big Secret. Everyone needs to know the truth, that there are predators among us. They seem just like the rest of us, so appearances and reputation mean nothing. It could be your grandmother, a bishop, the CEO of a major corporation, a senator, a psychiatrist, a social worker. They are everywhere, and we all encounter them.
Second, we each must measure out the trust we place in others with that truth in mind.
Why don't many do that? I think it's because of a seismic shift in attitude during the last few decades. As individuals, we have ceded the primary responsibility for our welfare to others.
For example, teachers complain that parents have shifted much responsibility for raising their children to the schools. Doctors complain that patients seem unwilling to accept any responsibility for their own health, doing nothing to take care of it themselves and expecting the doctor to keep them healthy.
Unfortunately, even though they complain, that's quite a head-trip for teachers and doctors. They are quick to take charge of your health and of raising your children, as if these things are none of your business. You should leave it to them, the experts, you know, because they know what's best for you.
But it's your children and your health, so what's it to them if they screw up? Their main motivations come through their income and remaining politically correct in their peer group of groupthink, no matter what the consequences to you.
In public safety, this others-take-care-of-me attitude has gone so far that many people think an individual has no right to defend himself. That's for the police to do. The individual is treated like a child whose judgment can't be trusted. So he or she mustn't ever hit back. Even in rural areas where the nearest police officer is many miles away, they insist that people have no right to own firearms. If the police can't or don't protect them, well, that's just tough: they must just die because they can't be trusted with the right to use force, even in their own self-defense.
Till not long ago, if you tried to patronize someone, he or she was liable to remind you that they were an adult with the reply, "I can take care of myself, thank you." But you almost never hear anyone say that anymore.
I once heard former Congressman Lee Hamilton (a Democrat and co-chairman of the 9/11 Commission) say that during the 1960's the constituents who contacted him for services were almost all essentially saying, "Get the government off my back!" But by the time he left Congress in the 1990s, the attitude had completely reversed so that his constituents were saying, "Make the government take care of me!"
Note that this is a Democrat, not a Republican, voicing concern over this change of attitude in the Land of the Self Reliant. One wonders what Democratic President John F. Kennedy would say about it, since he is famous for saying, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."
So, here we live, in a society in which 15–20% of people meet the diagnostic criteria for at least one personality disorder and 20–25% meet the diagnostic criteria for a mental disorder at some point in their lives. We are not Babes in Toyland.
Therefore, some of the crazy chatter we hear is just that, crazy. And among the personality disordered are narcissists and psychopaths, predators.
We feel sorry for people in the Third World who live in wild areas with, say, man-eating tigers to worry about. But we can't assume that since lions and tigers and bears (oh, my!) don't roam our streets we live in a safe environment and needn't be on the lookout for predators.
The good news is great news: most predators are easily discouraged. If they see that the moment they take one step too close, you are wary of them, they head off in search of easier prey.
Predators are quite ready to do this, because they are wary of you. Like sharks, on their first run, they usually aren't serious yet: they're just testing/tasting you. So, if you show them that you aren't naive, they're gone.
In bold, imposing closer encounters, you can just whack them on the snout. Divers swim safely among packs of great white sharks using this simple tactic as necessary. What do I mean?
When someone imposes to violate your privacy with a personal question, don't cave an inch: confront it. For example, you might say something like "Boy, you ask a lot of questions" or "I'm afraid that's none of your business" or "I'm going to keep that to myself" or even the simple "Why are you asking?"
When someone imposes to violate your privacy by presuming to be the judge of your personal, private choices, thoughts, or feelings, don't succumb to that flattering carrot or dodge that unflattering stick: confront it. You can say something like "That's up to me, not you" or "Who do you think you are?" or "You're not my judge."
Like I said, you can just whack them on the snout like this. By doing so you are keeping their nose out of your business. In the blink of an eye they're gone ... in search of easier prey. Just like that shark.
Really. recently, an abalone diver off the coast of Australia fought off a great white shark that had him half-swallowed head first!
Why? Because predators can't afford the injuries their prey may do them: those injuries might prevent them from successfully making future kills. It's the same with human predators. When they see that you aren't naive, they fear that you might sound the alarm to warn others about them. So they leave you alone, long before doing anything that you could accuse them of.
They are the ones who have crossed the line (of your personal boundaries), so they are the ones being rude, not you.
Moreover, caving in to impositions like this is dangerous, because predators view that as a sign of weakness. Now you're really on the menu, because they aren't just testing/tasting you anymore: now they're after you.
Return to Table of Contents
The movement afoot in Great Britain is based on the assumption that the government is responsible for taking care of us, cleansing our environment of anything dangerous, and thus making our world a utopia for us. The movement afoot in the United States stems from outrage at psychopaths being set free to do to it again and again and again by professionals and parole boards who just won't face facts.
But, though the threat predators like psychopaths and other malignant pose is serious, though they do a tremendous amount of harm in the world that must be addressed, it seems to me that this threat is easy to deal with and that doing so requires no Draconian measures of dubious morality and fairness that violate individual rights.
The reason I say that is because, as in the wild, predators kept at a safe distance are no threat. In the vast majority of cases, the prey has simply let a wolf in sheep's clothing get too close.
Even in those cases where a narcissist is abusing his or her own children, to get into a position to do that, he or she first had to fool the other parent into marriage.
This doesn't have to happen, at least not nearly as frequently as it does. A wolf in sheep's clothing can be recognized. The problem is that many people don't spot the signs of bad faith and mental illness. Or, if they do notice something that sets off their red alert, they blow it off.
This indicates that we need two things:
· a well informed public
· a change in attitude.
First, no more Big Secret. Everyone needs to know the truth, that there are predators among us. They seem just like the rest of us, so appearances and reputation mean nothing. It could be your grandmother, a bishop, the CEO of a major corporation, a senator, a psychiatrist, a social worker. They are everywhere, and we all encounter them.
Second, we each must measure out the trust we place in others with that truth in mind.
Why don't many do that? I think it's because of a seismic shift in attitude during the last few decades. As individuals, we have ceded the primary responsibility for our welfare to others.
For example, teachers complain that parents have shifted much responsibility for raising their children to the schools. Doctors complain that patients seem unwilling to accept any responsibility for their own health, doing nothing to take care of it themselves and expecting the doctor to keep them healthy.
Unfortunately, even though they complain, that's quite a head-trip for teachers and doctors. They are quick to take charge of your health and of raising your children, as if these things are none of your business. You should leave it to them, the experts, you know, because they know what's best for you.
But it's your children and your health, so what's it to them if they screw up? Their main motivations come through their income and remaining politically correct in their peer group of groupthink, no matter what the consequences to you.
In public safety, this others-take-care-of-me attitude has gone so far that many people think an individual has no right to defend himself. That's for the police to do. The individual is treated like a child whose judgment can't be trusted. So he or she mustn't ever hit back. Even in rural areas where the nearest police officer is many miles away, they insist that people have no right to own firearms. If the police can't or don't protect them, well, that's just tough: they must just die because they can't be trusted with the right to use force, even in their own self-defense.
Till not long ago, if you tried to patronize someone, he or she was liable to remind you that they were an adult with the reply, "I can take care of myself, thank you." But you almost never hear anyone say that anymore.
I once heard former Congressman Lee Hamilton (a Democrat and co-chairman of the 9/11 Commission) say that during the 1960's the constituents who contacted him for services were almost all essentially saying, "Get the government off my back!" But by the time he left Congress in the 1990s, the attitude had completely reversed so that his constituents were saying, "Make the government take care of me!"
Note that this is a Democrat, not a Republican, voicing concern over this change of attitude in the Land of the Self Reliant. One wonders what Democratic President John F. Kennedy would say about it, since he is famous for saying, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."
So, here we live, in a society in which 15–20% of people meet the diagnostic criteria for at least one personality disorder and 20–25% meet the diagnostic criteria for a mental disorder at some point in their lives. We are not Babes in Toyland.
Therefore, some of the crazy chatter we hear is just that, crazy. And among the personality disordered are narcissists and psychopaths, predators.
We feel sorry for people in the Third World who live in wild areas with, say, man-eating tigers to worry about. But we can't assume that since lions and tigers and bears (oh, my!) don't roam our streets we live in a safe environment and needn't be on the lookout for predators.
The good news is great news: most predators are easily discouraged. If they see that the moment they take one step too close, you are wary of them, they head off in search of easier prey.
Predators are quite ready to do this, because they are wary of you. Like sharks, on their first run, they usually aren't serious yet: they're just testing/tasting you. So, if you show them that you aren't naive, they're gone.
In bold, imposing closer encounters, you can just whack them on the snout. Divers swim safely among packs of great white sharks using this simple tactic as necessary. What do I mean?
When someone imposes to violate your privacy with a personal question, don't cave an inch: confront it. For example, you might say something like "Boy, you ask a lot of questions" or "I'm afraid that's none of your business" or "I'm going to keep that to myself" or even the simple "Why are you asking?"
When someone imposes to violate your privacy by presuming to be the judge of your personal, private choices, thoughts, or feelings, don't succumb to that flattering carrot or dodge that unflattering stick: confront it. You can say something like "That's up to me, not you" or "Who do you think you are?" or "You're not my judge."
Like I said, you can just whack them on the snout like this. By doing so you are keeping their nose out of your business. In the blink of an eye they're gone ... in search of easier prey. Just like that shark.
Really. recently, an abalone diver off the coast of Australia fought off a great white shark that had him half-swallowed head first!
Why? Because predators can't afford the injuries their prey may do them: those injuries might prevent them from successfully making future kills. It's the same with human predators. When they see that you aren't naive, they fear that you might sound the alarm to warn others about them. So they leave you alone, long before doing anything that you could accuse them of.
They are the ones who have crossed the line (of your personal boundaries), so they are the ones being rude, not you.
Moreover, caving in to impositions like this is dangerous, because predators view that as a sign of weakness. Now you're really on the menu, because they aren't just testing/tasting you anymore: now they're after you.
Return to Table of Contents
Meting Out Trust
Not everyone deserves the same amount of trust. Those nearest you (and in the same boat with you) have earned and deserve the most.
Never assume that people not in the same boat with you really have your best interest at heart. They have nothing at stake in the matter, so they may have nasty ulterior motives behind what they say. More often, of course, they are just somewhat careless and are merely trying to sound or look good, without really considering the consequences to you of their advice.
In meting out the trust you give others, you have to go by their track record.
If you know a person lied yesterday, he or she is a liar today. I don't care if they are a canonized saint: they lack credibility.
Yet most people judge by the appearances that status or reputation create instead of track record. The result is that a certain person or institution can lie and lie and cheat and cheat and rape and rape and loot and loot till the end of time. Because no matter how many times he or it proves they can't be trusted, the whole world acts as though the past is irrelevant and keeps on trusting them.
When someone has lost your trust, they need to earn it back. That takes time. It takes time to establish a trustworthy track record to become worthy of your trust again.
But when someone has lost your trust through treachery, which is cruel, I think you should never forget that. For, it is the sign of a predatory nature, not a mere stumble from the straight and narrow, such as anyone might have.
Common sense dictates that we should be careful of strangers, because they have no track record with us. Ironically, most people trust strangers more than people they know! (This is what keeps street con artists in business.)
If you know someone for a long time, you are bound to learn things about them that you don't like. You will know what kind of things they are likely to be dishonest about. You will know in what ways you can trust them and to what extent you can trust them. I am happy to trust them that much, whether or not I really like them.
But strangers you know nothing about. This doesn't mean you should be suspicious of strangers. In other words, I wouldn't mistrust them without reason. But I think you should invest only a baseline level of safe trust in them until you know they are worthy of more.
When you see a sign of bad faith, mental illness, manipulation, or predation in someone's behavior, please don't blow it off. Make note of it. If you never see another, great: it was an anomaly or perhaps a misunderstanding. But if you do see it again, or see another, take the warning signs seriously.
The signs are self evident to anyone who really pays attention to the people around him or her. I suspect that the only people who totally miss them are the self-absorbed (i.e., those who are somewhat narcissistic themselves).
The rest of What Makes Narcissists Tick highlights some of these signs. But here are gathered a generalized list of behaviors that bear negatively on a person's trustworthiness:
· Blowing up today and acting like it didn't happen tomorrow.
· Weird lies.
· Betraying anyone or anything.
· A broken (or changed) promise.
· Reactions that are bizarre, perplexing, and make you have to pinch yourself.
· Attempting to come between you anyone else.
· Attempting to come between you and your word.
· Attempting to come between you and your money.
· Attempting to come between you and yourself.
· Being glib.
· Asking personal questions, prying.
· Not minding one's own business.
· Relating to you inappropriately —
· getting too close for the nature of your relationship
· relating to you from above, as your judge.
· Judging your personal private choices, such as what you think or wear.
· Judging your feelings as though you can change them.
· Sketchy talk that leaves but a mysterious impression without concrete meaning.
· Arguments that are mere lines and slogans.
· Speaking badly of others.
· Impugning the motives and intents of others.
· Overreacting to things.
· Minimizing and catastrophizing.
· A track record of dishonesty.
· Asking you to secretly inform against your peers (unless, of course, they have broken the law and you have verified that you are giving this information to legitimate law enforcement authorities).
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Never assume that people not in the same boat with you really have your best interest at heart. They have nothing at stake in the matter, so they may have nasty ulterior motives behind what they say. More often, of course, they are just somewhat careless and are merely trying to sound or look good, without really considering the consequences to you of their advice.
In meting out the trust you give others, you have to go by their track record.
If you know a person lied yesterday, he or she is a liar today. I don't care if they are a canonized saint: they lack credibility.
Yet most people judge by the appearances that status or reputation create instead of track record. The result is that a certain person or institution can lie and lie and cheat and cheat and rape and rape and loot and loot till the end of time. Because no matter how many times he or it proves they can't be trusted, the whole world acts as though the past is irrelevant and keeps on trusting them.
When someone has lost your trust, they need to earn it back. That takes time. It takes time to establish a trustworthy track record to become worthy of your trust again.
But when someone has lost your trust through treachery, which is cruel, I think you should never forget that. For, it is the sign of a predatory nature, not a mere stumble from the straight and narrow, such as anyone might have.
Common sense dictates that we should be careful of strangers, because they have no track record with us. Ironically, most people trust strangers more than people they know! (This is what keeps street con artists in business.)
If you know someone for a long time, you are bound to learn things about them that you don't like. You will know what kind of things they are likely to be dishonest about. You will know in what ways you can trust them and to what extent you can trust them. I am happy to trust them that much, whether or not I really like them.
But strangers you know nothing about. This doesn't mean you should be suspicious of strangers. In other words, I wouldn't mistrust them without reason. But I think you should invest only a baseline level of safe trust in them until you know they are worthy of more.
When you see a sign of bad faith, mental illness, manipulation, or predation in someone's behavior, please don't blow it off. Make note of it. If you never see another, great: it was an anomaly or perhaps a misunderstanding. But if you do see it again, or see another, take the warning signs seriously.
The signs are self evident to anyone who really pays attention to the people around him or her. I suspect that the only people who totally miss them are the self-absorbed (i.e., those who are somewhat narcissistic themselves).
The rest of What Makes Narcissists Tick highlights some of these signs. But here are gathered a generalized list of behaviors that bear negatively on a person's trustworthiness:
· Blowing up today and acting like it didn't happen tomorrow.
· Weird lies.
· Betraying anyone or anything.
· A broken (or changed) promise.
· Reactions that are bizarre, perplexing, and make you have to pinch yourself.
· Attempting to come between you anyone else.
· Attempting to come between you and your word.
· Attempting to come between you and your money.
· Attempting to come between you and yourself.
· Being glib.
· Asking personal questions, prying.
· Not minding one's own business.
· Relating to you inappropriately —
· getting too close for the nature of your relationship
· relating to you from above, as your judge.
· Judging your personal private choices, such as what you think or wear.
· Judging your feelings as though you can change them.
· Sketchy talk that leaves but a mysterious impression without concrete meaning.
· Arguments that are mere lines and slogans.
· Speaking badly of others.
· Impugning the motives and intents of others.
· Overreacting to things.
· Minimizing and catastrophizing.
· A track record of dishonesty.
· Asking you to secretly inform against your peers (unless, of course, they have broken the law and you have verified that you are giving this information to legitimate law enforcement authorities).
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Narcissism In High Places
You know — in celestial places, where the celebrated celebrities are. Beware the impression that you "know" these people. You don't. That isn't them on the TV screen or in the magazine photo: that's their image. Stars and politicians' images are the product of professional "image makers," who present them to us as performers in staged settings.
Don't trust an institution or organization to filter out the personality disordered on the road to the top. Indeed, narcissists have great climbing skills!
Narcissists are expert at tearing down whoever is above them on the ladder of success. That's what narcissists do, nonstop, all their lives, because that's what narcissism is. They get very good at it, because it's an aspect of the disease, an aspect that is more a benefit than a curse in society. In fact, they get so good at climbing over those they throw down that they come out smelling like a rose, because nobody even knows who instigated the talk that destroyed that person.
For this reason, many say that narcissism is an adaptation, not a mental illness — a character disorder, not a personality disorder — because it helps rather than hinders their functioning in society.
What's more, narcissists have no compunctions about exploiting and disgracing their betters, because they have no empathy, no conscience. Another big advantage over normal people.
Nor do they have any compunctions about "getting tough" with their subordinates and firing people. They love doing that, because that's what narcissists do — vaunt themselves on others by bullying whomever they can. It's an aspect of the disease. And it's an asset, because it makes them look like good "tough" managers of personnel.
Narcissists are shameless but subtle self-promoters, expert at carving out the perfect (false) image for themselves. Yet another big advantage.
In fact, being for looks only, they see no reason to work for credit or credentials, so they just fake it whenever possible. They may cheat their way through college or buy a degree from a diploma mill or fake their credentials altogether. On the job they steal the credit that belongs to others. In fact, I suspect that behind every charlatan who commits surgery without a degree in medicine or a license to practice it, you'll find someone with NPD.
Being expert in faking excellence is another social advantage.
In fact, you can view NPD as a trade-off the narcissist makes. He or she adopts a way of life (a personality) made-to-order for achieving success in society. What they give up is happiness in close interpersonal relations. In fact, they give up ever having real human relations with anyone else, because they dare not let anyone access their soul. In effect they have sold it. So they must be content with getting what they want from intimates by pushing them around.
NPD doesn't prevent people from occupying positions of power, wealth, and prestige. Many people with NPD, as Kernberg's classification makes clear, are sufficiently talented to secure the credentials of success. In addition, narcissists' preoccupation with a well-packaged exterior means that they often develop an attractive and persuasive social manner. Many high-functioning narcissists are well liked by casual acquaintances and business associates who never get close enough to notice the emptiness or anger underneath the polished surface.
— Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders
Now, I can almost hear those wheels grinding. You're picturing the typical corporate executive officer ambitiously climbing the ladder of success. Think again. This arena is not the favorite haunt of narcissists, I think. We hear of many in boardrooms and in stock brokerages, but boardrooms and stock brokerages aren't the same thing as corporate executive offices.
I should think that a narcissist would not be at home in a smart and sophisticated big business with competent personnel managers, one that measures job performance accurately by objective metrics. Most of the narcissists I have known were in the "helping professions," particularly education. Little real accountability and abundant means to fake it.
Among those who were teachers that I have known or heard about, I noticed a peculiar similarity. They avoided accepting any position that would set them up as the responsible party and a target for criticism. For example, they would come up with excuses for why they could not fill a vacant head-coaching position. They preferred to call the shots from behind the scenes as a "humble" assistant coach, who manipulated the head coach.
I know of two in particular who were amazingly manipulative puppet masters. They managed to get themselves adored as the coaches emeritus at a school, though only one had dared to ever accept a head-coaching position and quit after just a few years. Yet they had all the coaches coming to them for advice and for an evaluation of how well they had coached the last contest. One of these gurus even somehow got himself elected conference football Coach of the Year!
An exception to this avoidance of the top position is in private schools, which are allowed to operate in secrecy and where the principal has so much power that, like a dictator, he or she can game the system to get away with anything. Anything — denial of civil rights, slander, threats, extortion, you name it — without fear of exposure and prosecution. This is why narcissistic bullies in the workplace are a particular problem in private nonprofit institutions.
It is also a serious problem in the public sector, not because civil rights are easily trampled there, but rather because of a do-gooder culture or a moral elitist culture (which is also present in private nonprofit institutions). This culture creates an unwholesome environment, because many aren't there to do good; they're to be seen as doing good. They are self-righteous and love to show how good they are by pointing at someone else and telling you how bad they are.
Such people might as well have remote-control panels, because a narcissistic boss can aim and shoot off their mouths at anyone he wants, just as you'd aim and fire a gun. This enables a narcissist to manipulate the whole group to morally persecute anyone marked as having the wrong politics or attitude. Examples would be in academia and social work.
In fact, the "helping professions" in general attract more than their share of narcissists: little real accountability and plenty of ways to fake it. All you have to do is fool people: you never have to prove that you are doing a good job.
Unfortunately, narcissists in positions of high visibility or power—particularly in the so-called helping professions (medicine, education, and the ministry)—often do great harm to others. In recent years a number of books and articles have been published within the religious, medical, and business communities regarding the problems caused by professionals with NPD. One psychiatrist noted in a lecture on substance abuse among physicians that NPD is one of the three most common psychiatric diagnoses among physicians in court-mandated substance abuse programs. A psychologist who serves as a consultant in the evaluation of seminary students and ordained clergy has remarked that the proportion of narcissists in the clergy has risen dramatically since the 1960s. Researchers in the field of business organization and management styles have compiled data on the human and economic costs of executives with undiagnosed NPD.
— Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders
Another thing about the helping professions that attracts narcissists is the abundance of vulnerable prey they supply. Think not only of vulnerable children in the case of teachers, but also of the vulnerable children and grieving or hurt adults in the case of priests and ministers. Think of the vulnerable patients supplied to psychiatrists. And so forth.
The same thing can happen in business, but it's usually a small business in which the owner doesn't realize how bad for business a narcissistic bully manager is and doesn't closely supervise managers to make sure they're tough but fair and treating the employees right.
Politics is the ideal arena for narcissists, because it's all about image. The list of those who have conned whole nations to become dictators is breathtaking. When will the human race ever learn?
In a western democracy nowadays, a narcissist would prefer the legislature to seeking the top position as a conservative head-of-state, because of the target he or she would become for the liberal media. In a dictatorial regime, however, none of that matters. Narcissistic politicians tend to be political chameleons who espouse whichever ideology is advantageous to them at the moment, or they practice policies inconsistent with the ideology they profess. Their understanding of socialism, conservatism, or whatever is shallow and runs only skin deep, because it is just part of their act.
Return to Table of Contents
Don't trust an institution or organization to filter out the personality disordered on the road to the top. Indeed, narcissists have great climbing skills!
Narcissists are expert at tearing down whoever is above them on the ladder of success. That's what narcissists do, nonstop, all their lives, because that's what narcissism is. They get very good at it, because it's an aspect of the disease, an aspect that is more a benefit than a curse in society. In fact, they get so good at climbing over those they throw down that they come out smelling like a rose, because nobody even knows who instigated the talk that destroyed that person.
For this reason, many say that narcissism is an adaptation, not a mental illness — a character disorder, not a personality disorder — because it helps rather than hinders their functioning in society.
What's more, narcissists have no compunctions about exploiting and disgracing their betters, because they have no empathy, no conscience. Another big advantage over normal people.
Nor do they have any compunctions about "getting tough" with their subordinates and firing people. They love doing that, because that's what narcissists do — vaunt themselves on others by bullying whomever they can. It's an aspect of the disease. And it's an asset, because it makes them look like good "tough" managers of personnel.
Narcissists are shameless but subtle self-promoters, expert at carving out the perfect (false) image for themselves. Yet another big advantage.
In fact, being for looks only, they see no reason to work for credit or credentials, so they just fake it whenever possible. They may cheat their way through college or buy a degree from a diploma mill or fake their credentials altogether. On the job they steal the credit that belongs to others. In fact, I suspect that behind every charlatan who commits surgery without a degree in medicine or a license to practice it, you'll find someone with NPD.
Being expert in faking excellence is another social advantage.
In fact, you can view NPD as a trade-off the narcissist makes. He or she adopts a way of life (a personality) made-to-order for achieving success in society. What they give up is happiness in close interpersonal relations. In fact, they give up ever having real human relations with anyone else, because they dare not let anyone access their soul. In effect they have sold it. So they must be content with getting what they want from intimates by pushing them around.
NPD doesn't prevent people from occupying positions of power, wealth, and prestige. Many people with NPD, as Kernberg's classification makes clear, are sufficiently talented to secure the credentials of success. In addition, narcissists' preoccupation with a well-packaged exterior means that they often develop an attractive and persuasive social manner. Many high-functioning narcissists are well liked by casual acquaintances and business associates who never get close enough to notice the emptiness or anger underneath the polished surface.
— Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders
Now, I can almost hear those wheels grinding. You're picturing the typical corporate executive officer ambitiously climbing the ladder of success. Think again. This arena is not the favorite haunt of narcissists, I think. We hear of many in boardrooms and in stock brokerages, but boardrooms and stock brokerages aren't the same thing as corporate executive offices.
I should think that a narcissist would not be at home in a smart and sophisticated big business with competent personnel managers, one that measures job performance accurately by objective metrics. Most of the narcissists I have known were in the "helping professions," particularly education. Little real accountability and abundant means to fake it.
Among those who were teachers that I have known or heard about, I noticed a peculiar similarity. They avoided accepting any position that would set them up as the responsible party and a target for criticism. For example, they would come up with excuses for why they could not fill a vacant head-coaching position. They preferred to call the shots from behind the scenes as a "humble" assistant coach, who manipulated the head coach.
I know of two in particular who were amazingly manipulative puppet masters. They managed to get themselves adored as the coaches emeritus at a school, though only one had dared to ever accept a head-coaching position and quit after just a few years. Yet they had all the coaches coming to them for advice and for an evaluation of how well they had coached the last contest. One of these gurus even somehow got himself elected conference football Coach of the Year!
An exception to this avoidance of the top position is in private schools, which are allowed to operate in secrecy and where the principal has so much power that, like a dictator, he or she can game the system to get away with anything. Anything — denial of civil rights, slander, threats, extortion, you name it — without fear of exposure and prosecution. This is why narcissistic bullies in the workplace are a particular problem in private nonprofit institutions.
It is also a serious problem in the public sector, not because civil rights are easily trampled there, but rather because of a do-gooder culture or a moral elitist culture (which is also present in private nonprofit institutions). This culture creates an unwholesome environment, because many aren't there to do good; they're to be seen as doing good. They are self-righteous and love to show how good they are by pointing at someone else and telling you how bad they are.
Such people might as well have remote-control panels, because a narcissistic boss can aim and shoot off their mouths at anyone he wants, just as you'd aim and fire a gun. This enables a narcissist to manipulate the whole group to morally persecute anyone marked as having the wrong politics or attitude. Examples would be in academia and social work.
In fact, the "helping professions" in general attract more than their share of narcissists: little real accountability and plenty of ways to fake it. All you have to do is fool people: you never have to prove that you are doing a good job.
Unfortunately, narcissists in positions of high visibility or power—particularly in the so-called helping professions (medicine, education, and the ministry)—often do great harm to others. In recent years a number of books and articles have been published within the religious, medical, and business communities regarding the problems caused by professionals with NPD. One psychiatrist noted in a lecture on substance abuse among physicians that NPD is one of the three most common psychiatric diagnoses among physicians in court-mandated substance abuse programs. A psychologist who serves as a consultant in the evaluation of seminary students and ordained clergy has remarked that the proportion of narcissists in the clergy has risen dramatically since the 1960s. Researchers in the field of business organization and management styles have compiled data on the human and economic costs of executives with undiagnosed NPD.
— Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders
Another thing about the helping professions that attracts narcissists is the abundance of vulnerable prey they supply. Think not only of vulnerable children in the case of teachers, but also of the vulnerable children and grieving or hurt adults in the case of priests and ministers. Think of the vulnerable patients supplied to psychiatrists. And so forth.
The same thing can happen in business, but it's usually a small business in which the owner doesn't realize how bad for business a narcissistic bully manager is and doesn't closely supervise managers to make sure they're tough but fair and treating the employees right.
Politics is the ideal arena for narcissists, because it's all about image. The list of those who have conned whole nations to become dictators is breathtaking. When will the human race ever learn?
In a western democracy nowadays, a narcissist would prefer the legislature to seeking the top position as a conservative head-of-state, because of the target he or she would become for the liberal media. In a dictatorial regime, however, none of that matters. Narcissistic politicians tend to be political chameleons who espouse whichever ideology is advantageous to them at the moment, or they practice policies inconsistent with the ideology they profess. Their understanding of socialism, conservatism, or whatever is shallow and runs only skin deep, because it is just part of their act.
Return to Table of Contents
