To understand what is going on in your relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), we must dig down to the root of the disease. Ready to take a stab at it?
When we interact with someone, our actions draw feedback in response. Our actions aren't just acts, as if we are communicating by kissing or punching that other person. Usually our communicating actions are words and other media of communication such as facial expression, tone of voice, diction (word choice), posture, gestures, and so forth.
Think of all this as information in a message we're sending.
It draws continuous feedback. This feedback isn't just what that other person does or says back. It's also the information in the look on his face, the tone of his voice, his diction, posture, gestures, and so forth.
We are alert to this feedback, because it is the only evidence we have that communication is actually taking place. Even communicating computers continually issue feedback information about the data they are receiving, as during a download. For example, the only way a server on the Internet knows that it maintains a connection to your computer is through the constant feedback your machine sends, which essentially acknowledges the receipt of every packet of information by answering "Got it...got it...got it...got it...."
We humans rely on this feedback information to judge whether our message is being understood and how it is being received. For example, a teacher constantly studies the looks on the faces of a class to see if they are getting what she says. She responds to this feedback, judging either that it's safe to go on or that she should try to make the point more clear. Again, for example, if you are correcting a child and you see him start to hang his head, you respond by letting up. Or, at least if you aren't a narcissist you respond that way: a narcissist will do the opposite and pile on.
Why?
This bounced-back information reflects the impression we're making on whomever we're interacting with. If what we're saying brings a smile to his face, for example, we see that we're making an agreeable impression on him. In other words, in this bounced-back information, we get a reflection, or an echo, of that impression. A reflection of our image.
The word image in this context doesn't just refer to our outward appearance. It usually refers mainly to our character, what kind of person we are.
So, that other person is, as it were, a mirror, echoing the image of his impressions as feedback. When he is paying attention to us, it's our own echoed image we see in the mirror of his face. Mostly in his eyes.
Though we are aware of this reflection while interacting with others, normally it's but one of many considerations in the moment-by-moment choices we make about our behavior. It may, for example, influence our word choice, tone of voice, facial expression, and so forth.
But honest people rely on this feedback only to warn them of misunderstanding or hurting the other party's feelings. They don't prostitute themselves to it. For, that's hypocrisy, as in the politician who says one thing to the people of one town and a contrary thing to the people of another town. Honest people don't shape their behavior to reflect a warped/untrue image of themselves. In other words, they don't act the way they do entirely for effect = to look or sound or seem a certain way.
Unless they happen to be talking to themselves in the mirror like Hamlet does in his fiery soliloquies. If you've ever made a speech to yourself in the mirror, you know that it's entirely for effect. When we are thus playing to our image reflected in a mirror, we are operating in a special mode. In fact, in that special mode we typically address ourselves in the second person (as "you" instead of "I").
Fortunately, before the bathroom mirror is normally the only time normal adults behave entirely for effect.
Certain other circumstances may come close though. For example, when we meet a stranger, especially if he or she is a potential mate or an important person, we are anxious to make a good impression and may start posing a bit before that mirror. Which is why we say stupid things at such moments: we're thinking about how we sound instead of what we're saying. Being on a job interview is a similar situation. Those who keep their wits about them and don't play to the mirror are the ones smart employers want.
If you're with me this far, you can understand what is different about narcissists. So, keep a tight grip on that thought: Attentive people's faces are mirrors that we see our image reflected in. The problem with Narcissus is that he can't get enough of his.
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Echo and the Narcissist
What Makes Narcissists Tick
Narcissus
The painting above is by John William Waterhouse (1849-1917). It depicts an interaction between Narcissus and his lover, Echo. It's a figurative depiction of their moment together, so you must imagine the literal picture. Let's look at it.
How would you describe what's happening? Here you have those two beautiful young lovers, off all by themselves in such a romantic setting. It's even springtime. You can tell by the flowers. Narcissus was hunting, but you can see he's cast aside his bow and arrows. Hmm. I wonder what they could be doing. Hmm.
That's about as intimate a human interaction as there is, isn't it?
Yet who — or rather what — is Narcissus making love to?
Echo is gazing upon him with a look that needs no words. Though it is wistful, it is to die for, the look every man dreams of getting from his lover. It would make Tarzan thump his chest and give a Tarzan yell.
But what's with Narcissus? What does he see in that look on her face? Nothing. He doesn't even see her face: he isn't looking at it. Instead, he has eyes for nothing but his own reflected image, as in a mirror. Is this guy crazy, or what? Look at her! She's a 10!
Yet Waterhouse shows that he's oblivious to her. He has eyes for nothing but the image of himself he's casting. He's gazing upon it with every bit as much admiration as she's gazing upon him. That's why Waterhouse shows him not even looking in her direction: he might as well not be. He doesn't see her. He sees nothing but the flattering image of himself reflected in her face.
That is, he doesn't see her face: he sees only the expression on it. In fact, Waterhouse is being downright sarcastic, because he depicts Narcissus quite literally "prostituting" himself before his reflected image, making love to it, rather than her. Prostrating himself before it is actually a formal act of worship. Judging from the way Narcissus is acting, he doesn't even know Echo's there. She might as well be that handy pond.
That's humiliating to her. In the very act of making love, he's humiliating her. The sick-o.
Something has gone terribly awry here, hasn't it? While it's normal to be aware of our reflection in the feedback we're receiving from someone, it's abnormal to be totally absorbed in it, to the point that you are unaware of anything else, including that other person.
Notice that Narcissus is performing to get and hold 100 percent of Echo's attention while giving her zero in return. Which means that she is as insignificant to him as an object, a mirror. Indeed, when was the last time you paid any attention to a handy mirror you were just checking yourself out in?
What does this mean? It means that no communion or communication is taking place. No human being communicates with a mere object like a mirror. This is mere intercourse, a one-way street. There is no give-and-take with a narcissist: it's all you give and they take.
And so, remember that attentive people's facial expressions (and other forms of expression, such as tone, gestures, and behavior) are mirrors that we see our current image reflected in. Narcissus can't get enough of his.
Which is to say that he can't get enough attention. So, he can't let anyone else have any.
Whenever he can get away with it, he denies attention to those around him and avoids, blocks, or ignores their attempts to express themselves. If you ask for his attention, he acts as though you're asking for the sun, the moon, and the stars. As if it would cost him an arm and a leg. Normal people often are so perplexed by this that they blow it off as some misunderstanding.
Narcissus is so avaricious about attention that he can't even stand to be in a room where anyone else gets any. Get some in front of him, and you might as well eat before a starving man, flash cash before a penniless man, or wave heroin before an addict in withdrawal: he will attack you for it. Attention has the same effect on his brain as a drug, so the more he gets, the more he needs. And, like a drug, he prizes it far more than any amount of money it may cost to maintain the source of a constant supply.
In a very real way, attention is a drug. Like dope, attention makes people feel good by delivering a "hit" of certain neurotransmitters (chemicals that transmit, or block the transmission of, electrochemical currents) in the brain. Like anything that does this (viz., sex, risk-taking, power), in excessive amounts it's addictive. And, simply because it works, nothing is as addictive as a pain-killer. Hence Narcissus is well named from the Greek word for narcosis.
Attention is his pain-killer.
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How would you describe what's happening? Here you have those two beautiful young lovers, off all by themselves in such a romantic setting. It's even springtime. You can tell by the flowers. Narcissus was hunting, but you can see he's cast aside his bow and arrows. Hmm. I wonder what they could be doing. Hmm.
That's about as intimate a human interaction as there is, isn't it?
Yet who — or rather what — is Narcissus making love to?
Echo is gazing upon him with a look that needs no words. Though it is wistful, it is to die for, the look every man dreams of getting from his lover. It would make Tarzan thump his chest and give a Tarzan yell.
But what's with Narcissus? What does he see in that look on her face? Nothing. He doesn't even see her face: he isn't looking at it. Instead, he has eyes for nothing but his own reflected image, as in a mirror. Is this guy crazy, or what? Look at her! She's a 10!
Yet Waterhouse shows that he's oblivious to her. He has eyes for nothing but the image of himself he's casting. He's gazing upon it with every bit as much admiration as she's gazing upon him. That's why Waterhouse shows him not even looking in her direction: he might as well not be. He doesn't see her. He sees nothing but the flattering image of himself reflected in her face.
That is, he doesn't see her face: he sees only the expression on it. In fact, Waterhouse is being downright sarcastic, because he depicts Narcissus quite literally "prostituting" himself before his reflected image, making love to it, rather than her. Prostrating himself before it is actually a formal act of worship. Judging from the way Narcissus is acting, he doesn't even know Echo's there. She might as well be that handy pond.
That's humiliating to her. In the very act of making love, he's humiliating her. The sick-o.
Something has gone terribly awry here, hasn't it? While it's normal to be aware of our reflection in the feedback we're receiving from someone, it's abnormal to be totally absorbed in it, to the point that you are unaware of anything else, including that other person.
Notice that Narcissus is performing to get and hold 100 percent of Echo's attention while giving her zero in return. Which means that she is as insignificant to him as an object, a mirror. Indeed, when was the last time you paid any attention to a handy mirror you were just checking yourself out in?
What does this mean? It means that no communion or communication is taking place. No human being communicates with a mere object like a mirror. This is mere intercourse, a one-way street. There is no give-and-take with a narcissist: it's all you give and they take.
And so, remember that attentive people's facial expressions (and other forms of expression, such as tone, gestures, and behavior) are mirrors that we see our current image reflected in. Narcissus can't get enough of his.
Which is to say that he can't get enough attention. So, he can't let anyone else have any.
Whenever he can get away with it, he denies attention to those around him and avoids, blocks, or ignores their attempts to express themselves. If you ask for his attention, he acts as though you're asking for the sun, the moon, and the stars. As if it would cost him an arm and a leg. Normal people often are so perplexed by this that they blow it off as some misunderstanding.
Narcissus is so avaricious about attention that he can't even stand to be in a room where anyone else gets any. Get some in front of him, and you might as well eat before a starving man, flash cash before a penniless man, or wave heroin before an addict in withdrawal: he will attack you for it. Attention has the same effect on his brain as a drug, so the more he gets, the more he needs. And, like a drug, he prizes it far more than any amount of money it may cost to maintain the source of a constant supply.
In a very real way, attention is a drug. Like dope, attention makes people feel good by delivering a "hit" of certain neurotransmitters (chemicals that transmit, or block the transmission of, electrochemical currents) in the brain. Like anything that does this (viz., sex, risk-taking, power), in excessive amounts it's addictive. And, simply because it works, nothing is as addictive as a pain-killer. Hence Narcissus is well named from the Greek word for narcosis.
Attention is his pain-killer.
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Arrested Child Development
What's the pain that the drug of attention kills?
It is widely believed (and my own experience with narcissists bears this out) that it is the pain of being judged as something to be ashamed of as a little child, during that crucial stage of personality development when the ego is all and fragile to boot. Being judged a disappointment. Not-good-enough to be acceptable to at least one parent.
Because something's wrong with you. What? Good question. That's The Big Mystery.
But you've always known that nobody holds and cuddles you or picks you up when you cry, or comes around just to giggle in your face and talk to you and play with you for a while. And you're finding out that you can never get it right, because you're always too "this" or too "that." You never say anything worth listening to. You never do anything worth noticing. You never deserve a compliment or praise. You shouldn't be encouraged to aim high, because that would give you the wrong idea and make you think you have what it takes to achieve something out of the ordinary.
But you need plenty of negative attention and criticism. Because you screw up all the time. Wet the bed? O God! That's worse than spilling milk. Over that the ear-piercing screaming will run for ten minutes straight.
Then she'll tell you that she has problems so you shouldn't be doing anything that bothers her.
How can a little child live up to that standard? They are always getting muddy or spilling milk or something. And notice the perversion of roles in that twist. In other words, you must see to it that Mamma has no trouble. She isn't here to take care of your needs and troubles: you are here to take care of hers. Because Mamma is a big baby. And, you are defective because you have problems that give Baby Mamma trouble.
Ah, the abuse that takes on a life of its own and keeps on abusing.
At this point, I must pause to point out that an abusive home life as a child is not a cause of NPD. It may be a temptation, but normal children come out of the same homes as malignant narcissists. Moreover, malignant narcissism is the foundation of psychopathy, and research on the psychopathic prison population strongly indicates that psychopaths come from both good homes and bad ones. Though an abusive home life is a big family secret that defies discovery by anyone on the outside, the amount of this research is so great that it must be taken seriously.
Therefore, this pain may be no more than any little child feels when his parents are too busy for him or when a parent makes the common verbal mistake of condemning the child, instead of the child's behavior, as "bad." We all got some of that, no matter how loving our parents were. So, it may be that malignant narcissists and psychopaths are just people who chose to carry a grudge, at a crucial age when it stunted their growth as human beings.
So, though she's dead and gone, Mamma becomes his demon. And here Narcissus is, an adult but still feeling the shame and trying to get right for her. He too is a case of arrested child development: he is still that child and still in that child's abyss of unbearable pain, doomed to forever try to claw his way out of the dungeon of her low regard.
Like his narcissistic parent, he rejects that child. He has replaced it with an imaginary self. It is perfect, godlike, mighty. Indeed, he cannot bear to look within and know his true self. So, he pulls the wool over his eyes by portraying a false, grandiose image of himself to gaze upon in mirrors.
Rather like a child playing "Pretend" — dressing up in his daddy's clothes before a mirror or imagining that he's Superman. Hey, nobody hurts his feelings!
But that isn't him. That's an imaginary him. The ideal him. Of course, this is a normal stage in child development. Children easily lose themselves in this game of "Pretend."
Kitty, dear, let's pretend --' And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favourite phrase 'Let's pretend.' She had had quite a long argument with her sister only the day before — all because Alice had begun with 'Let's pretend we're kings and queens;' and her sister, who liked being very exact, had argued that they couldn't, because there were only two of them, and Alice had been reduced at last to say, 'Well, YOU can be one of them then, and I'LL be all the rest.' And once she had really frightened her old nurse by shouting suddenly in her ear, 'Nurse! Do let's pretend that I'm a hungry hyaena, and you're a bone.'
— Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass
Some children get stuck in the Land of Pretend and don't distinguish between fantasy and reality, creating an imaginary, ideal friend. Children do this because they feel so small and insignificant in our world. So they "pretend" a different one, one more to their liking. Their principal aim is to be important and grand like grown-ups.
Important enough to be worthy of some attention. They will actually die for want of attention, because their budding personalities cannot take the damage being disregarded does to their tender self-esteem.
Once fully formed, the person-alities of children outgrow the need to create an imaginary, "dream" self. They then become themselves. It's as though they accept and marry themselves, merging with themselves, as their person-ality integrates. In their thoughts they normally refer to themselves as "I" — not "you" or that imaginary "he" or "she."
But the dysfunctional person-alities of people with NPD remain forever in this disordered, half-formed state. They are in a permanent identity crisis.
At the core of the malignant narcissism syndrome is the individual's creation of a grandiose false self in compensation for his unacceptable real self and as a way to cope with the external world. Like its namesake, the mythic Narcissus in love with his reflected image, the self that the narcissist loves is not his true self, but a counterfeit version that is superior and perfect. This is due to the self-loathing that is at the root of pathological narcissism. And so the narcissist rejects his real self and, instead, invests excessive love in an illusion. To call narcissists self-loving, therefore, is something of a misnomer because at the root of their narcissism is actually a kind of self-loathing. The paradox is only seeming, for it is his real self that the narcissist loathes, and it is his aggrandized and exalted fantasy self with which he is besotted.
— A Study in Evil, by Maria Chang
They don't identify with themselves! Even into adulthood, till the day they die, they still identify with that imaginary self — a fictional character!
Consider that — in their thoughts, normal people never refer to themselves in the same terms that an author refers to the characters in a novel, as "he" or "she." We never step that far outside ourselves. And only when bawling ourselves out do we distance ourselves by addressing ourselves as "you."
How can anyone who doesn't have a proper relationship with himself have a proper relationship with anyone else?
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It is widely believed (and my own experience with narcissists bears this out) that it is the pain of being judged as something to be ashamed of as a little child, during that crucial stage of personality development when the ego is all and fragile to boot. Being judged a disappointment. Not-good-enough to be acceptable to at least one parent.
Because something's wrong with you. What? Good question. That's The Big Mystery.
But you've always known that nobody holds and cuddles you or picks you up when you cry, or comes around just to giggle in your face and talk to you and play with you for a while. And you're finding out that you can never get it right, because you're always too "this" or too "that." You never say anything worth listening to. You never do anything worth noticing. You never deserve a compliment or praise. You shouldn't be encouraged to aim high, because that would give you the wrong idea and make you think you have what it takes to achieve something out of the ordinary.
But you need plenty of negative attention and criticism. Because you screw up all the time. Wet the bed? O God! That's worse than spilling milk. Over that the ear-piercing screaming will run for ten minutes straight.
Then she'll tell you that she has problems so you shouldn't be doing anything that bothers her.
How can a little child live up to that standard? They are always getting muddy or spilling milk or something. And notice the perversion of roles in that twist. In other words, you must see to it that Mamma has no trouble. She isn't here to take care of your needs and troubles: you are here to take care of hers. Because Mamma is a big baby. And, you are defective because you have problems that give Baby Mamma trouble.
Ah, the abuse that takes on a life of its own and keeps on abusing.
At this point, I must pause to point out that an abusive home life as a child is not a cause of NPD. It may be a temptation, but normal children come out of the same homes as malignant narcissists. Moreover, malignant narcissism is the foundation of psychopathy, and research on the psychopathic prison population strongly indicates that psychopaths come from both good homes and bad ones. Though an abusive home life is a big family secret that defies discovery by anyone on the outside, the amount of this research is so great that it must be taken seriously.
Therefore, this pain may be no more than any little child feels when his parents are too busy for him or when a parent makes the common verbal mistake of condemning the child, instead of the child's behavior, as "bad." We all got some of that, no matter how loving our parents were. So, it may be that malignant narcissists and psychopaths are just people who chose to carry a grudge, at a crucial age when it stunted their growth as human beings.
So, though she's dead and gone, Mamma becomes his demon. And here Narcissus is, an adult but still feeling the shame and trying to get right for her. He too is a case of arrested child development: he is still that child and still in that child's abyss of unbearable pain, doomed to forever try to claw his way out of the dungeon of her low regard.
Like his narcissistic parent, he rejects that child. He has replaced it with an imaginary self. It is perfect, godlike, mighty. Indeed, he cannot bear to look within and know his true self. So, he pulls the wool over his eyes by portraying a false, grandiose image of himself to gaze upon in mirrors.
Rather like a child playing "Pretend" — dressing up in his daddy's clothes before a mirror or imagining that he's Superman. Hey, nobody hurts his feelings!
But that isn't him. That's an imaginary him. The ideal him. Of course, this is a normal stage in child development. Children easily lose themselves in this game of "Pretend."
Kitty, dear, let's pretend --' And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favourite phrase 'Let's pretend.' She had had quite a long argument with her sister only the day before — all because Alice had begun with 'Let's pretend we're kings and queens;' and her sister, who liked being very exact, had argued that they couldn't, because there were only two of them, and Alice had been reduced at last to say, 'Well, YOU can be one of them then, and I'LL be all the rest.' And once she had really frightened her old nurse by shouting suddenly in her ear, 'Nurse! Do let's pretend that I'm a hungry hyaena, and you're a bone.'
— Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass
Some children get stuck in the Land of Pretend and don't distinguish between fantasy and reality, creating an imaginary, ideal friend. Children do this because they feel so small and insignificant in our world. So they "pretend" a different one, one more to their liking. Their principal aim is to be important and grand like grown-ups.
Important enough to be worthy of some attention. They will actually die for want of attention, because their budding personalities cannot take the damage being disregarded does to their tender self-esteem.
Once fully formed, the person-alities of children outgrow the need to create an imaginary, "dream" self. They then become themselves. It's as though they accept and marry themselves, merging with themselves, as their person-ality integrates. In their thoughts they normally refer to themselves as "I" — not "you" or that imaginary "he" or "she."
But the dysfunctional person-alities of people with NPD remain forever in this disordered, half-formed state. They are in a permanent identity crisis.
At the core of the malignant narcissism syndrome is the individual's creation of a grandiose false self in compensation for his unacceptable real self and as a way to cope with the external world. Like its namesake, the mythic Narcissus in love with his reflected image, the self that the narcissist loves is not his true self, but a counterfeit version that is superior and perfect. This is due to the self-loathing that is at the root of pathological narcissism. And so the narcissist rejects his real self and, instead, invests excessive love in an illusion. To call narcissists self-loving, therefore, is something of a misnomer because at the root of their narcissism is actually a kind of self-loathing. The paradox is only seeming, for it is his real self that the narcissist loathes, and it is his aggrandized and exalted fantasy self with which he is besotted.
— A Study in Evil, by Maria Chang
They don't identify with themselves! Even into adulthood, till the day they die, they still identify with that imaginary self — a fictional character!
Consider that — in their thoughts, normal people never refer to themselves in the same terms that an author refers to the characters in a novel, as "he" or "she." We never step that far outside ourselves. And only when bawling ourselves out do we distance ourselves by addressing ourselves as "you."
How can anyone who doesn't have a proper relationship with himself have a proper relationship with anyone else?
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It's All About Attention
A false image is, of course, a work of art, an idol. And a lie.
A narcissist identifies with this image, not his true inner self. So, all he cares about is his image, not what kind of person he really is. Indeed, the latter has no real existence in his world.
In identifying with his image, he's identifying with an ephemeral figment that has but virtual reality, a purely immanent existence as a reflection in the attention shone on him by others. No attention, no image. No image, no self!
So, no normal person can imagine what it's like living in the mind of a narcissist. Where would their center of consciousness be? Got me hanging. Trying to imagine where your center of consciousness would be if you were outside yourself is rather like trying to picture the physics in the Fifth Dimension: I can't do it.
But we can take what we do know and apply logic to it for drawing conclusions. For example, what would it be like if you weren't always there for yourself? If your experience of your own existence was limited to seeing yourself reflected in mirrors?
You'd be forever posing before a mirror, wouldn't you? In fact, if you looked around and saw all the people/mirrors around you reflecting someone else (i.e., paying attention to someone else) and none reflecting you, you'd experience an existential crisis.
This phenomenon is strangely reminiscent of what happens when game birds hatch and "imprint" on their human caretakers instead of Mother Bird. Something essential never happens in the formation of their "bird mind."
So, it's all about attention. Narcissus' life is a game of monopoly for it all. And people are just mirrors to him.
He won't listen to you: you must listen to him. He won't look at you: you must look at him. Because you are just his mirror. This is no exaggeration: if you grew up in a home with a narcissistic parent, you grew up in a home with a parent whom you never had a conversation with.
There are two things to keep in mind about being someone's mirror.
One is that a mirror is just an object, not a person in its own right. It's there for his sake, like the rest of the furniture, to reflect his image by shining attention on him. In other words, he is the center of his universe and the world revolves around him.
As every mother knows, this is the mentality of an infant. It's natural in infants, who have not yet acquired a personality. We see it throughout nature. It's what makes baby birdies erupt in loud chirping, stick their heads up out of the nest, and stretch their gaping mouths wide — each struggling to chirp louder, stick his head up higher, and stretch his gaping mouth wider than everybody else — every time Mother comes near. This mentality is adaptive in infants. It makes them behave in a way that stimulates Mother's instincts to forget her own needs and see entirely to theirs. And it makes the biggest attention-getter in the nest most likely to survive.
The other thing to keep in mind is that mirrors are all pretty much the same. Narcissus doesn't notice anything particular about any of them because he's too busy maneuvering to get and hold their attention and too busy admiring the important image of him they're reflecting in the inordinate amount of attention he gets from them. Since people are just mirrors to him, he has no more interest in them than you or I have in a mirror we are studying our image in.
And since he has no interest in them, a narcissist has a knee-jerk reflex that tunes people out as background noise. He's too busy thinking of what to say next and too busy admiring how he sounds to hear them. This means that what Narcissus doesn't know about the significant others in his life is both amazing and diagnostic.
And so, narcissism is a mental dis-ease that can run its course to bizarre extremes of self-absorption.
Now let's pause a moment and reflect on what that mirror of attention is. Consider what "attentions" come packaged in it:
For example:
· What do you get in the attention of someone pausing to hold a door open for you?
· What do you get in the attention of someone telling you that you did an excellent job on something?
· What do you get in the attention of a military salute?
· What do you get in the attention of someone listening to how your day went?
· What do you get in the attention of someone visiting you when you're sick?
· What do you get in the attention of someone who comes to see you at the wake of a loved one?
· What do you get in the attention of someone who says "thank you" when you do something for them?
· What do you get in the attention of someone who decides against an otherwise ideal option because it would have an adverse effect on you?
· What do you get in the attention of someone who has offended you and (instead of making nothing of it by pretending it didn't happen) comes to you and apologizes for it?
· What do you get in the attention of someone who puts their arm around you now and then?
· What do you get in the attention of someone who wants to have sex with someone else but remembers that he's married to you and chooses not to risk his marriage to you?
· What do you get in the attention of someone who is interested in your grades at school or the results of your matches on the high school tennis team?
· What do you get in the attention of someone who expresses sorrow and anger over others mistreating you?
· What do you get in the attention of someone who comes to your side when you are in trouble and sticks up for you?
· What do you get in the attention of someone who steps up and lends a hand with some job you're doing?
· What do you get in the attention of someone who asks for your opinion and often follows your advice?
I could go on, but you get the idea. Attention is just a catchall term for many things.
Regard, honor, acceptance, appreciation, consideration, comfort, respect,fidelity, affection,courtesy, gratitude, credit, deference, sympathy, admiration,
moral support, apologies, trust, praise, cheer, cooperation, encouragement, understanding, help, compassion, empathy, love, goodwill
This is the stuff of human relations, isn't it? All people hunger for these things, especially from those they love. These things are a human being's principle source of gratification and one nobody can thrive without. They are just forms of attention. And Narcissus' life is a game of monopoly for it all.
So he begrudges any of this GRATIFICATION to anyone but himself and steadfastly refuses to PAY the attention the OWES others:
· What do you get from someone walking through a door and letting it slam on you and your armload of groceries?
· What do you get from someone who makes nothing of offending you by never acknowledging that he has done so and apologizing for it?
· What do you get from someone who has no comment about some outstanding achievement of yours, such as authoring a book or winning a regional championship, and instead just acts as though it never happened?
· What do you get from someone who won't salute you?
· What do you get from someone who chooses an option that has an adverse effect on you, even though he has other options that would work as well?
· What do you get from someone never saying "please" or "thank you"?
· What do you get from someone who has nothing to say about others mistreating you, let alone expressing any emotion about it?
· What do you get from someone who immediately exits any room you enter, can't sit still to listen to you for a minute, and just generally acts as though you stink?
· What do you get from someone who shows what being married to you is worth to him by having sex with every other woman in town?
You get the message, don't you? You are nothing. That's humiliating.
Because attention in all its forms is a value judgment. And that's why Narcissus has gotta have it all — so that he gets no end of gratification from your relationship with him and you get none.
That's predation. Parasitism.
For example, he compulsively does his best to make sure that others get no attention in the form of consideration. He must get it all, and others must be treated inconsiderately. That's humiliating. You can run right down the list: Narcissus does likewise with everything on it, every form of attention. All regard must be for his rights and feelings; others' rights and feelings must be disregarded. That's humiliating. He must get all appreciation; others must be taken for granted. Everyone must be faithful to him and betray all others. He must get all the credit for everything, others none. He must get all sympathy, others none.
He acts as though every ounce of this stuff were the last loaf of bread in a starving world that he has just gotta out-compete you for. Even if you are his sweet three-year-old daughter, he won't let you have any, no matter how fat he is.
This is the essence of narcissistic abuse. And when you take a second look at what he's doing, you see that he is denying others their right to be treated as human beings.
So, it ain't no minor matter. Doing this to someone in every encounter, 24-7-365, will psychologically injure anyone. And doing this to your own children is an atrocity.
Ask any addict: He doesn't care how bad you need a fix. He has no regard for the fact that you will die in withdrawal because he's gotta be a pig that has just gotta have it all. Narcissus is like that with his drug, attention. He won't share. He deprives his own children of it.
Doubtless you're aware of how retrograde into childishness this behavior is. Indeed, like a three-year-old, Narcissus is the center of the universe and absolutely certain that he has a right to whatever he wants.
Individuals with NPD assume that other people will submerge their desires in favor of the comfort and welfare of those with NPD. They believe that just because they want something — that is reason enough for them to have it. They assume that others are as consumed by concern for those with NPD as the individuals themselves are; they believe they deserve special consideration from others (DSM IV™, 1994, p. 659) (Millon & Davis, 1996, p. 394).
— Sharon C. Ekleberry, Dual Diagnosis and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder
This "I-want-it-and-I-want-it-now" mentality is normal for three-year-olds, because they have not yet developed a proper relationship with themselves and have not yet come to see others as persons in their own right, with rights and feelings and needs that count.
But your narcissist is willfully forever three. All attention/gratification should go to him because he is dying for it and can't get enough, and everyone therefore just has to let him have it. Indeed, he feels that others are depriving him and stealing from him if they try to get any of it.
This attitude reminds one of the scriptural verse that proclaims that all glory, laud, honor, credit, and gratification belong to God alone. Whom Narcissus obviously has himself confused with.
Think what it means to demand no end of attention/gratification and refuse to let anyone else have any. Showing our regard for others in these ways is the essence of relating to others humanly, not as one would relate to some insignificant bug.
Even if he is fifty years old, inside is a child so immature it would kill him to share this stuff: He's just gotta have it all.
No matter what. No matter how desperately someone needs it, he can't let them have any. Praise someone before Narcissus, and he must tear that person down to deny them any praise. Do Narcissus a favor, and he must deny you gratitude. Need comfort, and he must find you contemptible and therefore unworthy of it. And so on. All to deny others one bit of regard.
By treating others as unworthy of any regard, Narcissus is acting as though they are beneath notice, insignificant and infinitely less important than all-important him. He pays no more regard to them in what he does than you pay to bug you step on while crossing the street. They are nothing; he is everything.
That's humiliating.
This is how he compensates for that demeaning value judgment imprinted on his soul. This is how he edits the shameful image of himself he saw reflected in a parent's disapproving eye. Since that's what made that parent a god, that's what makes him a god.
How does he enact this fiction? By treating you like dirt. And by maligning you behind your back. You could define a narcissist as someone who likes to treat others like dirt and ruin their reputations.
All to bring others lower than him. And he is very low.
This is the game a narcissist plays, in a nutshell. Because he is an emotional imbecile (i.e., mentally of pre-school-age maturity).
The only people he doesn't abuse this way are those he doesn't dare abuse. Or those he can aggrandize himself by association with. Or those he can con and is setting up for a con job. Like psychopaths, narcissists view others as but objects, material to exploit for their own aggrandizement.
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